I say “No problem!”

Apparently this marks me as a member of today’s fallen youth, as a sarcastic dick and as a presumptuous ingrate.  The phrase alleges that the speaker is a font of Zen beneficence and his or her interlocutor is a hot mess bearing shrill and ridiculous requests.  At least, that’s what Stanley Fish’s readers believe: “the top preferred un-preferred phrase was ‘No problem‘ in response to ‘Thank you’ (disliked either because it suggests a problem caused by you will be graciously ignored or that no problem existed when you know it did).”

What’s wrong with “No problem”?  It’s succinct and honest; it doesn’t imply that the asker is a problem, but that I, the ask-ee, am or was able to perform the requested task quickly and with full comprehension.  I can’t be the only one to notice the timidity with which people ask for minor adjustments to things, be they lattes with soy or vegetarian entrees at catered events or just a simple glass of water.  You see this exquisite discomfort all the time, in prefaces like “I’m sorry, but could I get a…”

“No problem” isn’t sarcastic or mean-spirited–there is absolutely no subtext.  It means, “Of course you may.  That should be no difficulty and there is no conceivable reason why I can’t make that happen for you right away.  Really, you don’t even need to ask.”  If anything, added onus is now on the service professional.  So many people squirm as they ask for things, expecting a gruff denial or eye-roll, that it’s become incumbent to allay these concerns.  That’s what “No problem” does.

There is a corollary phenomenon, and that is the disappearance of “You’re welcome.”  How many times has one encountered this situation:

Person A: “Thank you!”

Person B: “Thank you!”

It’s so dumb.  If anything, “You’re welcome” sounds slightly pompous, as if by refilling someone’s wine glass I’ve rescued their kitten from a sinking ship and I demand the appropriate recognition.  Added to that, I’m standing about two feet higher than they’re sitting, which adds to the implied status inversion.  You, down there, are welcome!  Actually, the minor act of clearing a plate is so trivial that saying “no problem” acknowledges just how inconsequential it really is, what little there is to it beyond obligation as part of the service of a meal.  It’s actually meekness, grovelling, the server repelling the act of being thanked for doing what he or she is supposed to.

We don’t need to be caught up in an endless feedback loop of thanks, either.  And really, people simply hate servers.  They hate the way small-d democracy has crept into everything and the act of being served makes people uncomfortable.  They hate tipping, and they love heaping blame on the server for every single thing that goes awry.  Undercooked meat?  Goddamn that fucking waitress for not keeping her eye on the stove.

It’s absolutely no surprise that a goodly portion of Fish’s readers’ lexical querulousness centers on food service.  Some people like icy professionalism and some restaurants demand it; some people want chatty personalities and some restaurants (i.e. chains) demand that.  You can’t please everybody and when you’re juggling a million little tasks, it’s not the easiest thing to speak exclusively in the ablest locutions.

Personally, I hate hearing “Hi, I’m X and I’ll be your server tonight,” but really, that was very 90s and you don’t see that much anymore.  I also hate nametags–wearing them and seeing them–because service should be somewhat anonymous.  If a table chats me up I’ll do my best to perform but it’s not always easy to target every individual’s desired level of satisfaction, or the ways in which they feel that feeling of “being served.”

It would be lovely to say that working your ass off for people with minimal intrusion is all you need to do and they’ll compensate you accordingly, but most people are uncouth assholes and a little bit of smiley chatter is occasionally a necessity to leaven transactions where all parties are seething with contempt.

Of course, this is all bullshit.  I actually say, “No troubs.”