I have to give Christwire credit. Normally, when people who hate gay people open their mouths, the most trenchant remark they make approximates, “Butt sex! Eww!” It’s usually Godshit, because paranoia about the national character and the debilitating effects effeminacy will have on the general population fell away after WWII.
Not so much this time. This ‘review’ of Glee must be read in its entirety–if only for the long tangent about how Golden Girls despoilt a quarter-century of American boys–but here are my favorite nuggets of purest right-wing ore:
This rosy little place of Glee is devoid of gun violence, sexting, drug dealing, suicide and larger questions of faith. [Sarcastic complaint? Sexting is a question of faith?]
Why must the producers of this show have so many shots of the football team in the locker room? They’re constantly dropping their shorts and jumping into a steamy shower , showing off tight biceps or lathering themselves all over with a fresh bar of soap. Is this some crafty attempt to appeal to the homosexual segment of the show’s audience? Is it really appropriate for today’s male teens to let this sort of softcore utopia influence them? Additionally, the show has far too many musical numbers. [How do you "let" something influence you?]
Ultimately, these ad hoc songfests give children a very false impression about talent and success…They are led to believe we live in a world where anybody and everybody can succeed as long as they have heart…It convinces impressionable teens to avoid serious career training in favor of having “fun” in the “arts.” Also, the music numbers just drag down the plot of the show.
The second best one:
Glee’s actors constantly make the argument that excelling at athletics does not contribute anything to the college application process. They posit the theory that a singing club will make you more likely to get into Ohio State or Princeton. This is false and it’s reckless for the creators of this show to promote such disinformation…If children take this belief to heart, it could wind up seriously hurting their chances of college survival as well as their health (sports are essential for keeping fit, strong and attractive!). [Emphasis mine, exasperation theirs].
[T]he show does not offer any alternative to the gay lifestyle argument. There are no teens cured of their relentless and wild male sex desires, there are no moral figures on hand to give a comforting hand, there are no popular boys who say, “I don’t want to hurt my family anymore and I love Jesus, so I am going to stop doing gay things with guys in the bathroom.
The Golden Girls turned a generation away from procreation. It made our American boys into the most raunchy, campy, carnal people on the planet. If, as a society, we could have returned to the 80s with what we know now and stop that show, American culture might be drastically different today. [I...agree...with...all...of...this]
Will male sports just become an excuse for gay locker room orgies? How long until these types also legislate to destroy the beauty of marriage, the safety of religion, the rights of the righteous? Look into the eyes of a young Kurt Hummel. Is that not the face of our future’s polymorphously perverse intellectual terrorist?
I swear to God, that is so amazing. Singing isn’t a real career, like sports is. Everyone who plays sports goes on to do it professionally. Music will kill you in college. Don’t do gay things with guys in the bathroom! And for the sake of the crucified infant Jesus, avoid Lifetime at all costs.
There’s almost nothing else to add. In fact, I almost aspire to its conclusions–I wish I could trace my fucked up desire to make out with other boys to watching Golden Girls from 1985-92 and then sporadically in syndication, always in secret.
What’s most astonishing is the incredible power attributed to positive depictions of gay people–everyday, somewhat neutered gay people. No one on the show is scary, non-gender-conforming, wearing leather or screaming for special rights. Yet a single sitcom can irrevocably alter the fabric of our nation. If only the ten trillion hours of opposite-sex smooching and sex could have any power at all. Heterosexuality is the Ottoman Empire. It might be God’s team, perfect and moral but also completely powerless.
When, in a perverse future, NBC airs actual man-on-man buttfucking to salvage its flagging ratings, we’ll just see what happens. Faggotry will acquire 100% market share and all reproduction will stop.
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It’s important to remember just how prurient people are. Instead of ignoring ancillary cultural chunks they don’t like, like the rest of us do, they sit there and DVR the whole thing so they can sit in front of the TV with a pad and pencil, noting every objectionable detail. Sometimes they threaten to read entire dictionaries in order to root out offensive terms. It’s almost as if as the amount of niche programming approaches infinity, and the more options psychotic parents have, the more worked up they get over the same exact things.
I think I understand how economic productivity keeps going up in spite of proliferating social media and online wastes of time: the 150 million Americans in denial of their own titillation are really, really motivated.
Also, this screenshot from Christwire tells you everything you need to know about the most important thing in Haiti today, plus who are president is right now.
